"Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field.
I will meet you there".
"To be healed means to be joined with the whole."
Love Is In The Air.... I was in the air ... only the I was fulI of love and I had no body. I had left the body and was in an expanded space of bliss, freedom, isness or a "being" space It was a vast and peaceful space and at that time there were no words for it. ”Love” was a word that came after I had come back in to the body and could actually describe the experience with words. The word itself of course is undefinable yet to keep things simple... I can call “it“ love. Whatever it is, it feels good.
The bus I was travelling in had rolled down a hill and turned upside down. Luckily it was in India so there was a spiritual flavour in the air. I was out of the bodies form and free from it, yet i knew the body lying smashed in the bus below me was mine. "Compassion" filled the empty space as I recognised the crumpled body lying below. I was later to understand the Tibetans name compassion as the healing power.
There was a pull of love to return to the body. I consciously checked in and examined its damage. I was sensing wether the condition of the body was a safe enough place to return to. The valuation was given the “O.K”. The journey of healing began upon returning to the physical body where the space of freedom from the body....“peace and love“ was still present. Again there were no words, however there was a clear “knowing” that I had chosen to come back to “Learn to Live Love".
The intrinsic wisdom within the body is a teacher and a through the vehicle to art of learning to love is path. This understanding was a stable anchor and a clear orientation in the healing journey that followed. Learning to love was healing and healing was living love. They were not seperate. I did not know how the healing would happen, and at the same time I trusted that I would be guided in the healing journey. I had the gift of watching the mystery of an unseen and fully present source of life mixed with the magic ingredient of love grow a smashed body back to being whole again. The journey was a door to anchoring in trusting the power of love as a mysterious healing source. The healing journey was about receiving and listening to inner guidance. I was being taught how to listen, take care and support the healing.
The most important thing was to practice staying connected to this state of love or spaciousness on the inside. It became clear it was a healing journey on a physical as well as emotional and spiritual level. From the near death experience I had connected to an undestanding that what ever has not been completed needs to be, to support the spaciousness and capacity of love to grow.
Conscious relaxation became a dailly meditation first thing in the morning. Noticing where there was tension in the body and consciously letting it go helped me stay connected with the inner space of relaxation. Soft stretching (which was sometimes interesting with all sorts of gadgets, tubes and odds and ends attached to me body. It was always possible. By orienting the body/mind on remembering its natural state of being easy or relaxed the nervous system was reprogramed and it became easier to simply relax. By taking the awareness inside and recognising tension without fighting or judging it created a gentle space of love, compassion and expansion. The edges of the tension gently dissolved. After stretching into relaxation the 2nd phase of the meditation was jibberish to help the mind relax and the 3rd phase was laughing to help the heart relax and also let go of tensions. From here I would consciously rest in the spaciousness that happend inside the body and then ask the wisdom of the body ( a space of compassion ) what was needed for healing.
There is always a trust that the guidance or love that is always focused on healing. I just had to ask for help. It's our natural state of being to return to health. From the “leaving the body experience" I had understood to live love meant that I needed to complete and let go of olde wounds or stories that were stopping me living love. This created more space for the healing within. I began to become aware that there were olde wounds or memories stored in the cells of the body. To bring conscious to them was to support letting them go. They were tensions stored in the cells and in the body.
In one mornings healing meditation, during the deep relaxation phase when I asked the inner healer what was needed I heard the sentence “I need love “. I understood that in the past the olde me judged this and would normally run away from it. To actually just allow this a healthy need had never been allowed. I had made a lot effort to get love through many games during my whole life. Now lying here in the bed with 2 broken legs and a broken back I had nowhere to run Ahhh "HMMMM May as well face it !" I realized.
There were protected places that were not open for love. So i had to prepare for an adventure into finding the clues for what was needed to live love as a natural state of being. It at first felt as if steel walls appeared all around me and I hung suspended in space at the same time. I was aware that my nervous system was activating and that I needed to resource in something that felt relatively safe or supportive. I prepared to go inside and imagined external resources of having strapped myself into a parachute and also slipping into a scuba diving outfit at the same time.
This gave me a feeling I was ready for anything it gave me a felt-sense in the body of having a protective power. I was readying to unlock the door of the fortress. I felt as if I had been running from this my whole life. Instead, I had been playing games my whole life to “get love” by being good enough for others, performing and getting what I imagined was what i needed to do for their approval. It really had taken a lot of effort.
Gathering courage to let go of the old ideas and beliefs about love and create space for the new had actually already begun. I was seeing through being completey physically incapacitated that I had to receive instead of "giving to get", which had been the old “love program”. I was learning to receive without the games. I had been watching my friends actually enjoying to give and share. When they took care of me they were feelig good and connecting to their own love. So I was already letting go of the belief that love happens through effort or doing something to make it happen.
I moved consciously through many layers in the next days. “Love“ had many tangents and trapped beliefs and emotions that needed to be in motion and flow on through. As i stepped in to the first layer "shame" hung thick in the air, it was sluggish and took a lot of space. I saw the belief that it was not OK to even feel that I needed Love. In this case, feeling became the healing. I felt it ...and it simply disappeared.
I surfaced took a fresh breath and then took another dive into “I need love“ with the full intention and trust that by feeling it healing was happening. Next came shaky ground... Life was trembling. That which i had been familair with and had been standing on as solid ground was falling away and crumbling. My identity with the person I had thought i was no longer stood firm. Memories and pictures came onto the screen of awareness. The life source that was trapped in defending and holding onto old wounds was becoming available for healing by becoming conscious and letting them go. I lay in the bed with the bed covers pulled up around my ears ... and continued to allow the previously unconscious feelings become conscious ... what unfolded next was "humiliation" being all that existed. Then complete not knowing if any other way would be possible. I only appeared to exist as a “NEED BLOB””.
Still behind all this was TRUST and GO ON and which felt much stronger than the old programs. At this point a friend appeared in my room and i could only mummble “I am only a Need Blob and splutter“ my whole reality in this moment is that my whole life has only been about creating ways to get love. I felt totally engulfed in it... and yet could still describe the reality I was watching and feeling in this moment. “I am here watching“. My friend understood I was being empowered and not a victim of the movie. He did not try to console me which was a relief and felt respectful. He said, " Wow, that takes a lot of courage to let yourself feel that." I really felt thankful being seen and at the same time needed to go on alone.
He left me to it and I continued to dive. What happened was gentle. Layers continued to unfold and at the end the last one was where the the power and intensity of the embarassment had taken so much of the life's source space and as it dissolved space for healing and a feeling of being whole expanded inside. It was the same space of peace that I knew and loved and yet more delicate and fragile unfolded. Very innocent.Ii was a space i could call love. It was new. It did not move outside or reach out. It seemed to be gently growing from where there had been darkness. A GENTLE LIGHT WAS NOW GLOWING AND felt warm and comfortable. A safe space to quietly rest in. The healing journey when the body is damaged - needs a lot of care and respect.
When healing means to look at beliefs and feelings on what is stopping living love - it can take energy that is needed physically for the body. I had to be very careful not to overload the nervous system. I was learning to love and listen to myself and my needs as the journey continued. Resting, integrating, physical care, nourishment, exercise, sleep, creativity humour, fun with friends and flowing with life are part of learning the art of love. It means learning what I really need, not what I am told is "good or bad" and imposed from outside. Loving myself meant allowing feelings to be resolved and it needed a sincere clarity that did not just throw them out to gid rid of them. Just feeling them and then the trapped old protecting energy was released from the cells as a healing life and love force. The body is a beautiful guide and very clear signals from the body began to let me know when i was falling in to old “unloving“ patterns.
For example, when I caught myself thinking and wanting love from the outside one time then "booom" sharp pain happened in my legs. I discovered that when I touched myself the pain went away. So, I explored loving myself through touching myself. Very nourishing and very easy for the love to continue to flow inside. To love and take care of myself was like being an innocent and fragile new born child. Practicing and learning new each day what supported this. I had a song I loved and played a lot - “Return to Innocence.“ It helped me to resource and remember the feeling of being loved in the body. Another song I loved and played was “I wanna know what love is “....for obvious reasons.
The dance of healing goes on. Many directions and signals to keep the way clear. The ability to respond and take the offer to whatever comes from existence as a support to grow and flow is the path of love. The discovery of having hepatitus C was another offer to find the clues directed to the soure of health and wholeness. I call it being a spiritual body detective. Again, I took it as an offer that the signals of the disease had something to show me. Strong and deep feelings revealed what had been lingering in the cells. The feelings were a lot to do with the dance of relating and living love with friends and loved ones. Inwardly and outwardly letting go of old wounds and expressing and honouring the love that flows between and through the loved ones.
There was a program in the cells that believed i "was an outsider". Painful, and yet it had been more painful to fight the feeling rather than just see it, feel it or hear it. My hepatitus C is now healed and gone and with the healing came new understandings of what living love is. I did not take any drugs to”get rid of it“. And now all test results are clear the symptoms are gone.
Compassion, the Tibetans say, is what we feel in our body and hearts and is what heals and is the same life force the universe is made of. The mysterious gift dancing through my container, the body, is the same potent life source dancing through all... it is a mysterious healing power of love.